And there is a day that you wake up and you cant take it anymore. You look at your self and all is too slow and far away. Then you start rethinking everything you have done. Things start feeling all wrong. You start questioning your self if you did right or wrong. You start replaying the scenes and the events. You have too much time in your hands and all the people is all gone. They are just memories of something that happen so long ago.
Then you realize that at moments you were everything you didnt want to be. You were an assasin, a coward, lazy, naive, dumb, looser, prostitute, criminal, tief, back stabber, bitch, angry nagger, scary bitch, psycho, and all kind of things that will bring your soul to hell. And just before you touch the fire you deside to quit.
It took two years for the army to realize that it was time for me to leave the Army. Two years to prove that all the shit i live in 8 years of military service was enough to break me down to the point of quit. I take 13 pills a day just to be normal. To not walk in pain. To not think about the ones who didnt came home. To not care about the every day bully because i came from the Air force and i didnt knew the "Army" way. I still dont know the "Army" way that was supposed to make me stronger, with a bold personality.
I got a stronger personality and visit many grave yards. Thats what i got from the Army. Very strong opinions about how lidership should be. And a very sad good bye looking back I feel i waste my time. In a war that was not ment to be done. Looking how kids think they become man by using an uniform and having a gun. Thinking we are saving the freedom of our country. Our country is FREE lets fight the ones who try to challenge that. Not random people in other countries. Iraq - Afghanistan was the way it is and it will be the way it was. Our war against Iraq was a waste of time and lives of US AMERICAN SOLDIERS.
I sleep in a temporary peace every day. provoqued my medications who give me the security that tomorrow will be there and after the VA gave me my retirement i dont have to come back to battle. And my kids are too little to give up on the temptation to want to save the world. But my husband belongs to them. The infantry american soldier who fight and dont make questions for the american freedom and glory. They havent invent a pill for that.... and I will wake up. And I know all the memories that i have burried too. I know it wont be good. In the meanwhile we live the american dream
WAITING FOR MY HUSBAND TO COME HOME
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Sunday, July 15, 2012
LIVING IN A WORLD WHO DOESNT LIKE TO DREAM
Today i wake up with a dream. In it my life was miserable. I was living i cluter and my baby boy wasnt the joyfull boy he is. He was lost in boredom and cluter he was drown in sadness. The same one that is been following me since i lost Raziel. It was so deep in me and in him that we didnt cross a word or our eyes we just live in darkness and sadness. Then i woke up.
///in real life i just realize my computer still broken my key board still mess up even that i begg brian to work on it since for ever.The internet speed is never the right one and both computers are mess up//
I just retire from the mean machine. I thank you Lord for that. The emotional damage from the mean machine and the people who work in it will be there for the rest of my life.
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Is not just what you see, what you experience and what you live while you are in combat zone what stress you out and break you down. Is also what inmoral, heartless abusive people do to soldiers while they are deployed. Abusing the fact that while the soldier is deployed there is nothing that soldier can do. And 15 months is a very long, long time to be able to do something specially when the mean machine force you to give total authority and kids authority to people. Because not been able to deploy is a crime.
I lost my kid custody thanks to my ex husband lie to the curt house telling he didnt knew where i was. And the mean machine send the court house not granting me permission to go.
While i was deployed i pass 14 months not been able to speak freely to my son. When i call him his dad monitor his call or hang up on me. Must of the time he wont answer the calls at all. (really nice to feel you might not come home and you cant even tell your kid i love you over the phone at least)Dad never mail me any of the letters my son write me. No body say good bye to me in that air port before i went to combat but the day i join the mean machine my son say good bye to me and beg me to not go. He promise me he would be a good boy if i stay. I told him i knew he will. I know he is. So when i went to Iraq his little face was in my hart like the first day he was jumping at the airport.
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I was dreaming about a great future for him having his own room with his own toys and tv where he could live with his mom. No more hand me down things. No more food stamps, Mom would not be the poor one with the broken down car driving in the public transportation with no job.
Everyone look at the story and always make the same question. Why you left your son with your exhusband? and i make the question.... Who else?
My mom? She play sick... when is convenient.... deployments are 14 months! not everyone likes to babysit a kid for an entire year. My dad? Maybe... my step mom is not a kid person she wont babysit him for a year! specially if there were some money and i was broke at the time. who else? ..... older sisters couldnt do it they didn have stability at the time no job, no house. my other siblings were too young. So who else? Well with no option i gave him my son. He stole it...
///in real life i just realize my computer still broken my key board still mess up even that i begg brian to work on it since for ever.The internet speed is never the right one and both computers are mess up//
I just retire from the mean machine. I thank you Lord for that. The emotional damage from the mean machine and the people who work in it will be there for the rest of my life.
Is not just what you see, what you experience and what you live while you are in combat zone what stress you out and break you down. Is also what inmoral, heartless abusive people do to soldiers while they are deployed. Abusing the fact that while the soldier is deployed there is nothing that soldier can do. And 15 months is a very long, long time to be able to do something specially when the mean machine force you to give total authority and kids authority to people. Because not been able to deploy is a crime.
I lost my kid custody thanks to my ex husband lie to the curt house telling he didnt knew where i was. And the mean machine send the court house not granting me permission to go.
While i was deployed i pass 14 months not been able to speak freely to my son. When i call him his dad monitor his call or hang up on me. Must of the time he wont answer the calls at all. (really nice to feel you might not come home and you cant even tell your kid i love you over the phone at least)Dad never mail me any of the letters my son write me. No body say good bye to me in that air port before i went to combat but the day i join the mean machine my son say good bye to me and beg me to not go. He promise me he would be a good boy if i stay. I told him i knew he will. I know he is. So when i went to Iraq his little face was in my hart like the first day he was jumping at the airport.
I was dreaming about a great future for him having his own room with his own toys and tv where he could live with his mom. No more hand me down things. No more food stamps, Mom would not be the poor one with the broken down car driving in the public transportation with no job.
Everyone look at the story and always make the same question. Why you left your son with your exhusband? and i make the question.... Who else?
My mom? She play sick... when is convenient.... deployments are 14 months! not everyone likes to babysit a kid for an entire year. My dad? Maybe... my step mom is not a kid person she wont babysit him for a year! specially if there were some money and i was broke at the time. who else? ..... older sisters couldnt do it they didn have stability at the time no job, no house. my other siblings were too young. So who else? Well with no option i gave him my son. He stole it...
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