Sunday, July 15, 2012

MAMI THINKS IM SLEEPING

LIVING IN A WORLD WHO DOESNT LIKE TO DREAM

Today i wake up with a dream. In it my life was miserable. I was living i cluter and my baby boy wasnt the joyfull boy he is. He was lost in boredom and cluter he was drown in sadness. The same one that is been following me since i lost Raziel. It was so deep in me and in him that we didnt cross a word or our eyes we just live in darkness and sadness. Then i woke up.

///in real life i just realize my computer still broken my key board still mess up even that i begg brian to work on it since for ever.The internet speed is never the right one and both computers are mess up//

I just retire from the mean machine. I thank you Lord for that. The emotional damage from the mean machine and the people who work in it will be there for the rest of my life.




Is not just what you see, what you experience and what you live while you are in combat zone what stress you out and break you down. Is also what inmoral, heartless abusive people do to soldiers while they are deployed. Abusing the fact that while the soldier is deployed there is nothing that soldier can do. And 15 months is a very long, long time to be able to do something specially when the mean machine force you to give total authority and kids authority to people. Because not been able to deploy is a crime.


I lost my kid custody thanks to my ex husband lie to the curt house telling he didnt knew where i was. And the mean machine send the court house not granting me permission to go.

While i was deployed i pass 14 months not been able to speak freely to my son. When i call him his dad monitor his call or hang up on me. Must of the time he wont answer the calls at all.  (really nice to feel you might not come home and you cant even tell your kid i love you over the phone at least)Dad never mail me any of the letters my son write me. No body say good bye to me in that air port before i went to combat but the day i join the mean machine my son say good bye to me and beg me to not go. He promise me he would be a good boy if i stay. I told him i knew he will. I know he is. So when i went to Iraq his little face was in my hart like the first day he was jumping at the airport.



I was dreaming about a great future for him having his own room with his own toys and tv where he could live with his mom. No more hand me down things. No more food stamps, Mom would not be the poor one with the broken down car driving in the public transportation with no job.

Everyone look at the story and always make the same question. Why you left your son with your exhusband? and i make the question.... Who else?

My mom? She play sick... when is convenient.... deployments are 14 months! not everyone likes to babysit a kid for an entire year. My dad? Maybe... my step mom is not a kid person she wont babysit him for a year! specially if there were some money and i was broke at the time. who else? ..... older sisters couldnt do it they didn have stability at the time no job, no house. my other siblings were too young. So who else? Well with no option i gave him my son. He stole it...