And there is a day that you wake up and you cant take it anymore. You look at your self and all is too slow and far away. Then you start rethinking everything you have done. Things start feeling all wrong. You start questioning your self if you did right or wrong. You start replaying the scenes and the events. You have too much time in your hands and all the people is all gone. They are just memories of something that happen so long ago.
Then you realize that at moments you were everything you didnt want to be. You were an assasin, a coward, lazy, naive, dumb, looser, prostitute, criminal, tief, back stabber, bitch, angry nagger, scary bitch, psycho, and all kind of things that will bring your soul to hell. And just before you touch the fire you deside to quit.
It took two years for the army to realize that it was time for me to leave the Army. Two years to prove that all the shit i live in 8 years of military service was enough to break me down to the point of quit. I take 13 pills a day just to be normal. To not walk in pain. To not think about the ones who didnt came home. To not care about the every day bully because i came from the Air force and i didnt knew the "Army" way. I still dont know the "Army" way that was supposed to make me stronger, with a bold personality.
I got a stronger personality and visit many grave yards. Thats what i got from the Army. Very strong opinions about how lidership should be. And a very sad good bye looking back I feel i waste my time. In a war that was not ment to be done. Looking how kids think they become man by using an uniform and having a gun. Thinking we are saving the freedom of our country. Our country is FREE lets fight the ones who try to challenge that. Not random people in other countries. Iraq - Afghanistan was the way it is and it will be the way it was. Our war against Iraq was a waste of time and lives of US AMERICAN SOLDIERS.
I sleep in a temporary peace every day. provoqued my medications who give me the security that tomorrow will be there and after the VA gave me my retirement i dont have to come back to battle. And my kids are too little to give up on the temptation to want to save the world. But my husband belongs to them. The infantry american soldier who fight and dont make questions for the american freedom and glory. They havent invent a pill for that.... and I will wake up. And I know all the memories that i have burried too. I know it wont be good. In the meanwhile we live the american dream
