The american dream

And there is a day that you wake up and you cant take it anymore.  You look at your self and all is too slow and far away. Then you start rethinking everything you have done. Things start feeling all wrong. You start questioning your self if you did right or wrong. You start replaying the scenes and the events. You have too much time in your hands and all the people is all gone. They are just memories of something that happen so long ago.

Then you realize that at moments you were everything you didnt want to be. You were an assasin, a coward, lazy, naive, dumb, looser, prostitute, criminal, tief, back stabber, bitch, angry nagger, scary bitch, psycho, and all kind of things that will bring your soul to hell. And just before you touch the fire you deside to quit.

It took two years for the army to realize that it was time for me to leave the Army. Two years to prove that all the shit i live in 8 years of military service was enough to break me down to the point of quit. I take 13 pills a day just to be normal. To not walk in pain. To not think about the ones who didnt came home. To not care about the every day bully because i came from the Air force and i didnt knew the "Army" way. I still dont know the "Army" way that was supposed to make me stronger, with a bold personality.

I got a stronger personality and visit many grave yards. Thats what i got from the Army. Very strong opinions about how lidership should be. And a very sad good bye looking back I feel i waste my time. In a war that was not ment to be done. Looking how kids think they become man by using an uniform and having a gun. Thinking we are saving the freedom of our country. Our country is FREE lets fight the ones who try to challenge that. Not random people in other countries.  Iraq - Afghanistan was the way it is and it will be the way it was. Our war against Iraq was a waste of time and lives of US AMERICAN SOLDIERS.

I sleep in a temporary peace every day. provoqued my medications who give me the security that tomorrow will be there and after the VA gave me my retirement i dont have to come back to battle. And my kids are too little to give up on the temptation to want to save the world.  But my husband belongs to them.  The infantry american soldier who fight and dont make questions for the american freedom and glory. They havent invent a pill for that.... and I will wake up. And I know all the memories that i have burried too. I know it wont be good. In the meanwhile we live the american dream

MAMI THINKS IM SLEEPING

LIVING IN A WORLD WHO DOESNT LIKE TO DREAM

Today i wake up with a dream. In it my life was miserable. I was living i cluter and my baby boy wasnt the joyfull boy he is. He was lost in boredom and cluter he was drown in sadness. The same one that is been following me since i lost Raziel. It was so deep in me and in him that we didnt cross a word or our eyes we just live in darkness and sadness. Then i woke up.

///in real life i just realize my computer still broken my key board still mess up even that i begg brian to work on it since for ever.The internet speed is never the right one and both computers are mess up//

I just retire from the mean machine. I thank you Lord for that. The emotional damage from the mean machine and the people who work in it will be there for the rest of my life.

Is not just what you see, what you experience and what you live while you are in combat zone what stress you out and break you down. Is also what inmoral, heartless abusive people do to soldiers while they are deployed. Abusing the fact that while the soldier is deployed there is nothing that soldier can do. And 15 months is a very long, long time to be able to do something specially when the mean machine force you to give total authority and kids authority to people. Because not been able to deploy is a crime.


I lost my kid custody thanks to my ex husband lie to the curt house telling he didnt knew where i was. And the mean machine send the court house not granting me permission to go.

While i was deployed i pass 14 months not been able to speak freely to my son. When i call him his dad monitor his call or hang up on me. Must of the time he wont answer the calls at all.  (really nice to feel you might not come home and you cant even tell your kid i love you over the phone at least)Dad never mail me any of the letters my son write me. No body say good bye to me in that air port before i went to combat but the day i join the mean machine my son say good bye to me and beg me to not go. He promise me he would be a good boy if i stay. I told him i knew he will. I know he is. So when i went to Iraq his little face was in my hart like the first day he was jumping at the airport.

I was dreaming about a great future for him having his own room with his own toys and tv where he could live with his mom. No more hand me down things. No more food stamps, Mom would not be the poor one with the broken down car driving in the public transportation with no job.

Everyone look at the story and always make the same question. Why you left your son with your exhusband? and i make the question.... Who else?

My mom? She play sick... when is convenient.... deployments are 14 months! not everyone likes to babysit a kid for an entire year. My dad? Maybe... my step mom is not a kid person she wont babysit him for a year! specially if there were some money and i was broke at the time. who else? ..... older sisters couldnt do it they didn have stability at the time no job, no house. my other siblings were too young. So who else? Well with no option i gave him my son. He stole it...

LEAD ME

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Your love is a song

I keep my eyes so wide open looking how all those young guys walks in the desert next to you thinking they want to be like you. what they dont know is that all those new wifes will have to be like me. mothers with hearts broken. Looking away and praying to God while their kids cry at night because dad is not home. Trying to smile not sure if what they feel is called happines or something else. I love you. More than I ever love anyone else. But i think you love the Army more than you love your family. In case you dont know what we have been through in a year and you dont even have orders to come home yet. Im going to tell you what ive been through in two weeks. only 14 days. The rest of the thre houndred and something else days just use your imagination. cause those 14 days dont include those dark days where i was on fire in the emergency room.

Im invading other people's life to see if my husband face is in their pictures to confirm he still alive. Reading people's profiles to see if someone have heard or see you. Praying that the morning news dont show your face on the news or that red cross message coming to our hospital is not for me. While I keep on with a full time job pretending nothing is going on, keep up with the house, the bills, go to the gym, take care of the kid, go to the appointments, my mom is sick, the truck was broken, did a three mile walk for breast cancer patients,  the house get floaded, mom crash my car, have to fix the car, Ian get sick,I get sick,  my liscence is suspended, I have some trainings pendings, both the truck and the car have expired tags, my acls is not updated, I have not enroll in college, did paperwork to outprocess, got orders to pcs to fort campbell, the orders came in wrong , you didnt call in a week, there is another armistead who die in the service, mom have alzheimer, the daycare lost the liscence, find another daycare, find a new house in another state(not done), pack the house(not done), ian cant walk im not able to help him he is too heavy for my back pain, i fix the truck, fix the car( not the outside), truck need paint, car need paint, miss my husband(week #2 without call or email), have a zeisure, my uncle die, the cat have more kittens, ian is late on walking, ian dont want solid food have severe ear infection, cant find brian to fix my orders to fort campbell have less than 90 days to move to fort campbell, have orders for fit for dutty, med board aproved wont move to fort campbell how am i going to tell brian??








Liar.... Just a liar.

I cant think about anything else when i think about you. All your love is a memory. cause your love sounds like a song. I keep my eyes wide open and i just see how lonely i pass the last two years. waiting to feel you here with me. whyle you wait to be that hero who save the world.

AT THE FOOT OF THE CROSS

At the foot of the cross
Where grace and suffering meet
You have shown me Your love
Through the judgment You received

And You've won my heart
Yes You've won my heart
Now I can

Trade these ashes in for beautyAnd wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down
At the foot of the cross

At the foot of the cross
Where I am made complete
You have given me life
Through the death You bore for me

I'm laying every burden down
I'm laying every burden down

silence

Ian is sleepin in his room. I think he loves to see he have his own space. Thats something Raziel never experience in his life untill he live with his dad. been able to have his own room. His own space. With his own toys. I bet Ian feels special. A kid should feel important when in a home there is a specific space just for him with things that belongs just to him. That should make you think someone was waiting for you. or at least someone cares about you enough to give you a place and you feel you belong there.

My poor Raziel Im so sorry I could never give him that. Im so sorry. Once i divorce his father i didnt have the economical means to even give him a roof over his head. So we live like homeless people sleeping in the same bed. Stayin for a couple of month with my dad, staying for a couple of months with my mom, staying for a couple of months with my sister or who ever could give us some food and a roof. I try to smile for him as much as i can just to pretend everything was ok and temporary. But it was so hard to see that i didnt have anything to offer him other than that smile.

After that he never have a room of his own, he never have any new toys. My temporary situation was turning permanent and my permanent smile was turning temporary. I turn into the Army to give you those things I dream You deserve....

Now i see Ian Sleeping so happy like the baby I dream Raziel should be. And i ask my self. Why God allow my first baby go throug so much?  Why i cant still give him those dreams i always wanted for him?

Every night i thank the Lord for my precious Ian and every night i cry for my broken heart and my Raziel

Raziel Isaak 2010 (10 years)