north

Smoking your cigarette with your shield on. Thinking about home. The same sun that burn your skin will be the one coming my way tomorrow. But at this time on my sky only the stars you name for my are shinning tonight. Those are the ones that matters to me. The other ones matters to the rest of the world. If I think hard I can remember very clear that feeling of been in the other side of the world. Where everything is so awkward cause life is backwards. While your family sleeps you are awake and when you are sleeping they are working.  No correlation with the weather. Nothing to talk about. Is like life makes a big pause. While everyone else’s keeps going. In the desert everything feel like is moving so slow. It feels so painful to call home and figure out that while other people keep up with their lives you are just there…. Wake up in the morning do PT; eat breakfast, shower, work, dinner, go to the MWR, sleep. Next day you will do the same thing all over again for the next 365 days non stopping.  Everything going on your side is OPSEC. Everything on my side is too much to do something about it especially because you are too far to do something anyways. Is like trying to live two lives.  I don’t think I will feel complete until you come home. In the meanwhile I feel abducted.

Last deployment was my time to learn how to meet myself and live with myself. I needed to make peace with myself. And last deployment was my basic training for it. It was a horrible deployment I never been disconnected from my family, friends, TV, radio, telephone and all common normal every day commodities ever in my life. And that’s what I have as a normal daily basis.  It was rough and it took me long and almost drives me crazy but at the end of the deployment I came home a more independent stronger person. I love it. I decide to throw away the dependent person and became self-sufficient. I promise I will learn things and I will try to do things on my own even if at the end I didn’t succeed.  I start risking myself to be open to new experiences wish gave me new opportunities and I met great people.

This deployment didn’t deprive me from anything other than you. I thought I have all I need to succeed and not been affected. But I thought wrong. Once you were gone. My life runs out empty.  I was running on my own strength and when my life went from bad to extremely overwhelm I couldn’t resist the outcome. I have gone too many times into too many situations where the ups and downs of life make me cry over but this time my entire world was sinking. My husband is in a combat zone as an infantry soldier and my world is collapsing piece by piece in my own hands. Is hard to cry over and tell the one you love over the phone “hey I’m broken” especially when you want to say “I’m ok and everything will be fine” especially when you know he is counting on you for lots of things and every tear just feel like a disappointment.   Just feel like you let him down. But reality is that sometimes when you have to be strong if you don’t have the right tools to be strong your strength goes away like water in your hands.

I feel God. As cliché as it sounds that’s all it happen. Just a simple recepy. Nothing out of the normal I didn’t jump out in the air or speak weird languages or see angels or a bright light stroke me or anything special magical happen.  I simply get tired of all the drama. One day I was so fed up with the pain and the arguments with my mother, the stress with my job and leaders that make no sense a baby that is growing without daddy. I get tired of not having a back ground that I can use as a guide whenever I have a problem because my family is a totally dysfunctional family. I get tired of trying to be normal and standard.  When I get into the point that I couldn’t take it anymore. I dress up take my baby boy and sit down in church.

And I pray.

Cause after 36 years I was needing to be happy… I was needing a change.

 

Psalm 27

Of David.

¹ The LORD is my light and my salvation—
       whom shall I fear?
       The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
       of whom shall I be afraid?

² When evil men advance against me
       to devour my flesh, ^[a]
       when my enemies and my foes attack me,
       they will stumble and fall.

³ Though an army besiege me,
       my heart will not fear;
       though war break out against me,
       even then will I be confident.

⁴ One thing I ask of the LORD,
       this is what I seek:
       that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
       all the days of my life,
       to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
       and to seek him in his temple.

⁵ For in the day of trouble
       he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
       he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle
       and set me high upon a rock.

⁶ Then my head will be exalted
       above the enemies who surround me;
       at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy;
       I will sing and make music to the LORD.

⁷ Hear my voice when I call, O LORD;
       be merciful to me and answer me.

⁸ My heart says of you, "Seek his ^[b] face!"
       Your face, LORD, I will seek.

⁹ Do not hide your face from me,
       do not turn your servant away in anger;
       you have been my helper.
       Do not reject me or forsake me,
       O God my Savior.

¹⁰ Though my father and mother forsake me,
       the LORD will receive me.

¹¹ Teach me your way, O LORD;
       lead me in a straight path
       because of my oppressors.

¹² Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
       for false witnesses rise up against me,
       breathing out violence.

¹³ I am still confident of this:
       I will see the goodness of the LORD
       in the land of the living.

¹⁴ Wait for the LORD;
       be strong and take heart
       and wait for the LORD.

And now that I’m walking with the lord I have no fear. I’m not tired. Cause he give me the strength to keep going. He keeps me safe from the people who try to harm me and my family is growing by the first time in so many years as a family. And my hose now is a home where you can breathe peace.

Joseline