Your love is a song

I keep my eyes so wide open looking how all those young guys walks in the desert next to you thinking they want to be like you. what they dont know is that all those new wifes will have to be like me. mothers with hearts broken. Looking away and praying to God while their kids cry at night because dad is not home. Trying to smile not sure if what they feel is called happines or something else. I love you. More than I ever love anyone else. But i think you love the Army more than you love your family. In case you dont know what we have been through in a year and you dont even have orders to come home yet. Im going to tell you what ive been through in two weeks. only 14 days. The rest of the thre houndred and something else days just use your imagination. cause those 14 days dont include those dark days where i was on fire in the emergency room.

Im invading other people's life to see if my husband face is in their pictures to confirm he still alive. Reading people's profiles to see if someone have heard or see you. Praying that the morning news dont show your face on the news or that red cross message coming to our hospital is not for me. While I keep on with a full time job pretending nothing is going on, keep up with the house, the bills, go to the gym, take care of the kid, go to the appointments, my mom is sick, the truck was broken, did a three mile walk for breast cancer patients,  the house get floaded, mom crash my car, have to fix the car, Ian get sick,I get sick,  my liscence is suspended, I have some trainings pendings, both the truck and the car have expired tags, my acls is not updated, I have not enroll in college, did paperwork to outprocess, got orders to pcs to fort campbell, the orders came in wrong , you didnt call in a week, there is another armistead who die in the service, mom have alzheimer, the daycare lost the liscence, find another daycare, find a new house in another state(not done), pack the house(not done), ian cant walk im not able to help him he is too heavy for my back pain, i fix the truck, fix the car( not the outside), truck need paint, car need paint, miss my husband(week #2 without call or email), have a zeisure, my uncle die, the cat have more kittens, ian is late on walking, ian dont want solid food have severe ear infection, cant find brian to fix my orders to fort campbell have less than 90 days to move to fort campbell, have orders for fit for dutty, med board aproved wont move to fort campbell how am i going to tell brian??








Liar.... Just a liar.

I cant think about anything else when i think about you. All your love is a memory. cause your love sounds like a song. I keep my eyes wide open and i just see how lonely i pass the last two years. waiting to feel you here with me. whyle you wait to be that hero who save the world.

AT THE FOOT OF THE CROSS

At the foot of the cross
Where grace and suffering meet
You have shown me Your love
Through the judgment You received

And You've won my heart
Yes You've won my heart
Now I can

Trade these ashes in for beautyAnd wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down
At the foot of the cross

At the foot of the cross
Where I am made complete
You have given me life
Through the death You bore for me

I'm laying every burden down
I'm laying every burden down

silence

Ian is sleepin in his room. I think he loves to see he have his own space. Thats something Raziel never experience in his life untill he live with his dad. been able to have his own room. His own space. With his own toys. I bet Ian feels special. A kid should feel important when in a home there is a specific space just for him with things that belongs just to him. That should make you think someone was waiting for you. or at least someone cares about you enough to give you a place and you feel you belong there.

My poor Raziel Im so sorry I could never give him that. Im so sorry. Once i divorce his father i didnt have the economical means to even give him a roof over his head. So we live like homeless people sleeping in the same bed. Stayin for a couple of month with my dad, staying for a couple of months with my mom, staying for a couple of months with my sister or who ever could give us some food and a roof. I try to smile for him as much as i can just to pretend everything was ok and temporary. But it was so hard to see that i didnt have anything to offer him other than that smile.

After that he never have a room of his own, he never have any new toys. My temporary situation was turning permanent and my permanent smile was turning temporary. I turn into the Army to give you those things I dream You deserve....

Now i see Ian Sleeping so happy like the baby I dream Raziel should be. And i ask my self. Why God allow my first baby go throug so much?  Why i cant still give him those dreams i always wanted for him?

Every night i thank the Lord for my precious Ian and every night i cry for my broken heart and my Raziel

Raziel Isaak 2010 (10 years)